I know how hard work I can be at times,
I hate myself at times, I hate my depression, I hate that I am this
way and I hate what it has made me become.
I pushed you away because depression
told me you hated me. It told me you would leave anyway, you would be
better off without me, I was a horrible friend. I was no good for you
at all and just brought you down all the time. So depression pushed
you away. If you understood that it was just depression pushing you
away because of my insecurities you might have not listened to it and
did what it says. Instead you might have said something like “I
know you don't really mean it and you're just struggling, I will sit
here with you and just be with you no matter what”.
When you left because I pushed you away
you showed depression that it was stronger than me, it won, it got
what it wanted it got me to be lonely and it gave me more evidence
that all the negative things I say about myself must be true.
Then there are the times you tried very
hard to be there for me when I was struggling, when my depression was
winning. The times you would come to my room and give me a cuddle,
ring me up just to see how I am, give me a card just because, look
after me when I couldn't myself. But you weren't ready for that sort
of relationship and I relied on you too much, depression does that
too I get too clingy with people that care. Thank you for caring but
I know I was too much and so you couldn't cope with all the mess that
I was any more.
You don't understand how my crazy mind
works, you don't understand what it feels like to have depression. To
feel like your best friend actually can't stand you and is going to
leave you anyway because she is having to wipe the tears from your
eyes again when we should be going on a fun night out. To be rude and
awful to your friends because you cannot control it and lash out in
anger. To be awful to the people you love most because you know they
would be better off without you. You don't understand any of this, it
makes absolutely no sense to you. And do you know what? I'm so glad
you don't get it, because to get it you would have to feel it and I
hope with all my heart you never have to feel this pain and you never
have a realisation of “I get it now this is what she meant”.
