I'm the girl you heard crying

I felt inspired today to try and write a poem. I decided to write about my school days and the struggles they entailed, the complex traumas I suffered at this time.and still went to school every day. So hear it is, I've never wrote a poem before and it's very personal so please be kind!




I'm the girl who was so shy and never spoke at school
I'm the girl who was picked on for being freak
I'm the girl who's mum died when she was just finding her feet
I'm the girl who hid in toilets to avoid joining in
I'm the girl you heard crying and just laughed at again
I'm the girl who's dad chose a new partner over her
I'm the girl who was shouted at night after night
I'm the girl who stole food from her kitchen to survive
I'm the girl who was called fat, ugly, crazy, all this was right
I'm the girl you heard crying and just laughed at again
I'm the girl who got perfect grades and so was obviously fine
I'm the girl who feared going home every single time
I'm the girl who was to blame for every little thing
I'm the girl who hurt herself to release some of the pain
And still, I'm the girl you heard crying and just laughed at again.

Please hug your children tight and tell them how loved they are

We often see on social media these days things to tell your children every day, things along the lines of:

I love you
I’m proud of you.
You’re feelings matter.
It’s okay to feel scared/sad/angry.
I’m proud of you.
It’s okay to make mistakes we all do.
I’m sure you’ve all seen these kind of posts but I want to share this to highlight how important that is, from the other side of the story.

I am what happens when you don’t tell your children these things, when you laugh at your child for being scared of something silly, when you get cross with a child for being upset. Things that at the time parents will think nothing of. But as I learn more and more about my diagnosis I have found a lot of research to suggest the one and only cause of Borderline Personality Disorder is as a young child having the core belief that “My feelings are inherently shameful and wrong.” This leads to children growing up hiding their feelings because they believe they are something to be ashamed of and cannot be shared. This also leads to a second core belief by extension of the first “If my feelings are shameful and wrong then I must be!”
I definitely believe I grew up with this belief and through traumatic circumstances later in childhood it got worse. This is a severe mental health condition which is so badly understood by even professionals that it is so hard to get help for. This is a lifelong battle that I am in, I do believe I will be better than I am now and I am already better than I was but this isn't something I will simply get over. It isn't treatable by medication. It is a lifelong battle every day me against this.

So you want to know what I think when I read a facebook post that says tell your children every day how much you love them? I think “Yes please do, or they will grow up to be like me”

I'm going to post the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder now for anyone who reads this but is unsure what it really is. To be diagnosed you have to have 5 out of the 9, at some point in my life I have had all 9.

You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.

You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).

You don't have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you're with.

You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.

You feel empty a lot of the time.

You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).

You often self-harm or have suicidal feelings.

You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.

When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.

I Am Borderline

I am Borderline, I have BPD, borderline personality disorder or emotionally unstable personality disorder. I have accepted this diagnosis and it makes a lot of sense. I've never felt right emotionally, always been sensitive and always been told its depression. Depression just never seemed like the right fit. In fact I now technically am diagnosed with “Borderline Personality Disorder with secondary depression and anxiety” so I guess I am still depressed. 

The world thinks its getting better at accepting mental health problems, people think yes I get what depression is, yes I feel anxious. Who honestly outside the mentally ill world has heard of BPD? How are we meant to realise that is what we have when no one talks about it and shares their experience. I was told by countless numbers of medical and mental health specialists that it was depression and take this medication it will work. So for years I thought this was what depression looked like. I also thought what is wrong with me, they say this treatment will work but it never does. 

My diagnosis of a strange disorder no one has ever heard of is both a blessing and a curse in one. A blessing to hear that it has a name, I’m not alone, I’m not just losing the plot, I have an actual real illness that explains how I am. Anyone who has ever known me in real life will definitely have at some point thought: “what is her problem?” “She’s so weird!” “what on earth is wrong with her?”. Now I finally have an answer. But it is also a curse. I have a name for it, am told it is treatable with psychological intervention. But then hear nothing for months and have to fight my corner for any kind of support. Borderline Personality Disorder needs to be in conversations as much as Depression and Anxiety are. By writing this I hope I help one person to learn something or even someone feeling similar to know they are not alone. 

I am Borderline.