Feeling down for "no reason" thanks to Covid

 Yesterday and today I woke up just feeling low, sad, down in the dumps. Nothing happened to trigger me feeling sad, things are slightly getting better than they were. So I tell myself I'm being stupid and get annoyed at myself for being sad for "no reason" I should just snap out of it. Then I'm adding more negative emotions, the frustration at myself and at the sadness. I say "no reason" in inverted commas because this post is about challenging that thought that I have no reason to be sad.

In DBT we learn about different emotions and what kind of situations emotions are justified and talk about them 'fitting the facts'. It sounds pretty basic but is actually complex and I honestly believe emotions and how to regulate them should be taught in schools. It's such valuable skills that I think many adults don't understand! So when does DBT say that sadness 'fits the facts'? When you have lost something or someone and when things haven't gone to plan or turned out the way you had hoped. 

Now is there anyone who predicted and expected a global pandemic to hit us? If there is why didn't they warn the rest of us?!? So to some extent all of us in the whole world are living this year  not how we expected it or hoped it to be. People had plans and goals they wanted to accomplish which they haven't been able to because of lockdown restrictions. Through no fault of their own, through something completely out of all of ours control. There is also the fact that people haven't seen people they love in a long time, while they hopefully aren't lost forever they are for a while. Things being lost I would say means more than just objects, lost opportunities, lost progress, personally, or in other ways due to lockdown restrictions.

For me personally I was in a good place mentally before Covid took over. I had support workers twice a week and therapy twice a week. Then in a flash the therapy turned into a phone call and group therapy just stopped, and support had very strict restrictions when it used to be very much up to me, I could do whatever I wanted with them. I was doing so well before lockdown that I was discharged from CMHT, a mutual decision between me and the professionals working with me that we all agreed was for the best. Now I have had to be referred back to them because I'm not doing well and need more support. This is a loss in itself, a loss of my progress, a loss of my independence and ability to cope by myself. I'm a very goal orientated person and I use a bullet journal to do this. I set goals for 2020 at the end of 2019. I set challenges for myself like 'Swim 100 times' and 'visit 20 new places'. These seemed difficult but manageable now thanks to Covid I haven't been able to complete any of my goals! If Covid hadn't have happened I would now be finished DBT and on to the next phase of my recovery / therapy journey, again I'm a goal orientated person so had this all planned out. Now it will be a long time before I am ready for this. I also was about to start volunteering in a school in March when schools had to shut. Yes I'm determined to make sure this will happen in time but I've lost 5 months. 

I've lost 5 months in a number of ways. Time has been ticking, I've been getting older, life hasn't stopped. And yet in so many ways it has. 5 months of no social outings. 5 months of self isolation at home with no company. 5 months of deep depression. 5 months of no progress on my mental health and goals that make my life worth living. 

I write about myself and my personal sadness and set backs as a result of lockdown but I hope others can use this to see their own reasons they may be sad. If you, like me, wake up just feeling sad, before you beat yourself up and tell yourself you have no reason to, stop and think. I have reasons to be sad because of all I have lost and how 2020 has not gone to plan. Give yourself some compassion and kindness if you feel sad. We are all allowed to. If you planned to spend the extra time eating healthily and getting fit, but find yourself staying in bed or not wanting to move from the sofa and craving chocolate, you find yourself not being able to find the motivation to do anything, be kind to yourself, tell yourself its okay to be sad, grieve what you have lost because of this awful situation we are all living in. But most of all be kind to yourself, sadness needs kindness!

From Disney's Inside Out, a wonderful film about feelings and a great reminder that we all need our emotions and cannot be happy all the time! 

Covid lockdown with exisiting mental health problems (TW)

For the last 5 months I've been existing and surviving but barely. I have found a new low that I didn't know existed, day after day I've sank lower. I thought I was at the bottom of the huge mountain to climb and then I sink lower into a valley. With no way to even take a single step upwards to get out of this low. 

I've been clinically depressed and cannot believe how awful depression is. To have zero motivation to do anything that helps me. To try and distract myself but not be able to concentrate on anything, to watch TV but not really be watching it, completely unaware of what I'm watching. To feel exhausted constantly from doing nothing. To have no option but to stay in bed, day after day just letting life pass me by. 

Before lockdown I was the best I've ever been mentally for about a month. I felt relief from some difficult but right for me decisions. I was about to start volunteering in a primary school after 2 years out of work. I felt hopeful for the future and excited about the life I was going to live. I felt that I was creating a life worth living. I was doing very well with DBT (therapy) using most of my skills every day and learning to be stronger than this thing I'm fighting called Borderline Personality Disorder. I had plans. I had hope. I knew who I wanted to be. 

To go from this to the lowest I've ever felt is not to be looked at lightly. The contrast between how I was in February and early March to how I became in April onwards is extraordinary. The support from mental health services became non existent. I was told repeatedly that this was to 'keep me safe'. Yes safe from Covid-19 but at what cost? I have lost count of how many times I have tried to commit suicide during the lockdown. The reasons for this is how incredibly low I feel, having no hope for ever getting better and the complete lack of support. These reasons merge into one because the reason I have no hope is down to no support from mental health services, I know I cannot get myself out of this pit alone. I've done things which medical professionals are surprised I'm not dead. Last week I was in A&E four times. I feel like I've been in constant crisis without a break for months. Is it any wonder I want to die to get this pain to stop?

On a bad day in my normal life I think I just need to get through this day and tomorrow might not be as bad. During lockdown I know for sure every day is going to be just as bad. There is no end. People told me back in March that this was only temporary and thought that was comforting, its now August. Yes its temporary but not temporary enough. It feels like the longest 5 months of my life and also I've done absolutely nothing, that's hard to deal with. I've not done anything to help myself get better, because of lockdown restrictions I've not been allowed to.

Living alone during lockdown with mental health problems is nothing short of torture. Forced isolation in my little council flat. With my mental health declining and intrusive thoughts getting worse there is nothing to distract me. All I have is my own messed up mind for company.

My DBT group is finally going online next week, I have an appointment to talk about going back to the community mental health team on Thursday. I can see a very tiny, glimmer of hope. I don't believe it yet but I know it's there. I have to remember I am still alive for a reason, I will again find that reason and purpose in life. For now I will keep surviving, keep breathing, and that is enough.