Tomorrow I am going to volunteer in a primary school as a 'tutor' for a 1 hour Maths session with two year 6 pupils (age 10/11). I am absolutely bricking it, full of anxiety and thoughts that I can't do this and what was I thinking when I signed up to do it?
I've planned in so much depth and rehearsed what I will say and tried to imagine what the children might say.
2.5 years ago I worked full time as a primary school Teaching Assistant, I ran around the school running different interventions for different groups of children. I planned for and led my own groups, often just working out what to do with the children in the break time before the session. I did it because I had to. I had a phonics group of 16 children which I ran alone.
I became too unwell to work, my mental health took over, I was crying every day at work, couldn't get through a full day and made attempts to end my life. But when I was with the children I put on a front and made sure they didn't see the other side to me.
Leaving work because my mental health was too bad to work is such a catch 22 because I then got so much worse. Work was a purpose and a reason to get up every day. If those children respectd me I couldn't be that bad could I? But I had to leave I agreed to but it was a mutual decision between myself and the manager/headteacher.
Now it's took my two and a half years to get back to a place where I feel like I could maybe manage to volunteer for 1 hour a week in a school. In fact I'm not sure that's true really, I don't think I'm ready but I realised this year that if I wait until I'm "ready" I'll be waiting forever. I don't think being ready is a real thing, I think I will be working on improving my mental health for life.
This feels a bit ridiculous that I used to do this all day, all week but now I don't know if I can manage an hour. It feels like im being stupid. It feels like I need to get a grip. The part of me that thinks this thinks I should just go and get a job again and work like a normal functioning adult. But then I know for sure I would fail and burn out again. Step by step and building mastery as I go is definitely the way to go.
Ready or not I will do it. My sheer determination will mean I will do it. It may go absolutely terribly but I'll do it. I couldn't let the children down. I may have to use every one of my DBT skills in the morning to feel okay enough to face it. But I will be there. I will try my best to help these children.
I will fight the demons in my own head that will tell me I'm rubbish, useless, the children would be better off without me, who was I kidding thinking I could teach? I will prove them wrong. I will speak up and tell them yes I can do it, working with children is what I am good at and what I should be doing.
Tomorrow I hope I will win but if I do that's just the first step. The first step towards the "life worth living" that I want. I want to use my experience of mental health problems to empower children and young people. I want to help children that could end up like me. Be there for them before they grow up thinking they aren't worth anything, help them to value themselves and to understand their emotions at a young age so that they can flourish in life and not suffer like I have. I will change the future and outlook for children like me, so they know their strengths. I will use my experience and learn from it.
One day this will be my career and life but for now I will go to bed and try and sleep with the strong anxiety about going to volunteer in a primary school as a 'tutor' for a 1 hour Maths session with two year 6 pupils.
Can I really do it?
Yes I can.
