Borderline and me... what's in a name?

Bear with me through this because it's a long and confusing ride and that is what it is I can't help that. I have always been told I have depression and anxiety and just accepted that. But there have been multiple times along the way where I and others who know me have questioned whether that is the true diagnosis or if there is more to it. Now my battle with mental health probably dates back to when my mum died when I was 12 years old, 14 years ago from writing this. I first went to my GP at age 16 because I knew something wasn't right so 10 years ago. To consider I may have had a wrong diagnosis, or no formal diagnosis all this time is pretty crazy really. You wouldn't do that to someone with a physical illness.

I'm currently in a limbo of knowing that I have borderline personality disorder but it not yet being official because I'm on a long waiting list to see a psychiatrist. A psych nurse I saw yesterday could see I was showing traits of and clearly suggesting it but she can't give a diagnosis. Now I will probably blog as the weeks go on in this wait more about my unknowns and questions about this so bear with me with this rambling nonsense that is on my mind tonight. It doesn't make sense to me so I doubt it will to anyone else either!

Why is it called Borderline? as I'm in the UK it's 2:30am and my mind won't let me sleep it wanted to know the answer to this right now. My research has shown that the name actually dates back to 1938 when they thought people were on the 'border' between psychosis and neurosis disorders. Neurosis being a very old fashioned term for mood disorders, we don't use that anymore so why do we still use borderline? It is not seen that this on the borderline describes the condition at all now but the name has stuck with it. The other name it goes by Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder seems to fit much better so why don't we just forget the confusing one and stick to that?

Some people may be thinking it's only a name what does it matter? Let me tell you why it does. Some people with bpd experience some symptoms of mild hallucinations or delusions and dissociation. Which are awful and seen as more on the psychotic side. I have never had to my knowledge anything like this. (I have very recently read about some mild dissociation which sounds familiar but until days ago I believed this was far from me and will now be looking into this more but that's another story).

So there I was never having experienced these kinds of symptoms or so I believed but having literally every other one that describes BPD. In my research of the disorder I wrongly thought that you had to have the mild psychotic symptoms to have the disorder. I think I may have even made this up to be honest in putting pieces of a puzzle together so that it made sense to me. And what is the reason I jumped to this wrong conclusion? The name. If Borderline means your on the borderline (and it must do it wouldn't just be called something random to confuse us?) then you must have to have symptoms from both sides of this line surely? I brushed off any thoughts of having this disorder for years because of the name. No medical professional ever sat down and spoke to me about it and the possibility I had it and I certainly wasn't going to suggest it because I truly believed for years that I didn't fit it because I didn't have any psychotic symptoms. Because of the name.

When I was 20, a friend thought I wasn't just depressed and there was something else going on, she wrongly thought bipolar but urged me to push doctors that there was more. We did not consider BPD.

When I was 23 and started working in a new job and worked closely with a lovely lady, she was supporting someone who had a lot of problems and had a diagnosis of BPD. She would tell me how hard it was and things and then one day she suggested I may have it too. I was offended as this was in the same conversation as her saying how hard this person was to deal with. Not for the first time did I google the symptoms that night to check and again I thought I can't have that I'm not on the borderline because I don't have any psychosis and so I brushed it off again.

I watched the amazing show on Netflix Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I related a lot to the main character, we even share a name so when her friends are so disappointed and say her name in that tone it felt personal. Again I researched and again I decided it wasn't me.

Now as I sit here finally at 26 realising that yes I most likely do have Borderline Personality Disorder and actually the name doesn't really relate to the condition today. I am wondering why on earth it is still known as that? I have just now read an article that explains the out dated reasons which I wrote above and at the very bottom says "try not to get too hung up on the term borderline and talk to your doctor or therapist about the right course of action for you". Yes but I have been obsessing about this for an hour and I don't know but is that not kind normal for a person with this disorder? And what about the me that believed the Borderline meant something for years and years and believed that it meant I didn't fit this and I was just a crazy, stupid messed up person.

An outdated name that should just be ignored and not focused on, stopped me seeing what was right in front of me and stopped me seeking proper help for years.