TW: I need to wake up

I've just come home from the Crisis House and I wish that it was a magic cure but the truth is there isn't one. Before going there last week though I could barely string two words together to express how I feel, so I recognise I am doing a lot better than I was.

I'm safe right now just honest thoughts, putting into words what's on my mind. If you've never struggled with your mental health this is how it feels for me. If you have you are not alone, keep holding on. If anyone needs to chat message me or comment I'm here for anyone, no one should have to face this alone. 

It feels as if I've not been awake this whole year. This whole year has been a nightmare. I've been surviving, barely. But that's all I've been doing. Like some kind of walking zombie. Not really living or alive but not quite dead yet either. 

I don't believe I should still be alive. I could have died this year but didn't. And I wish I did. Oh how much I wish I did. Then this pain would be over. Then this torture that is my own brain would not rule me anymore. Then I would greet my beautiful Mum and Nan after 16 long years with a smile and a hug. Oh how much I wish I could see you both again. I've tried Mum I really have tried to be with you. But the world won't let me go. You won't let me join you. You say its too soon but its not fair. My heart aches for you every day. Because I wasn't allowed to grieve so I don't know how to grieve and I've been stuck in grief for 16 years. Its torture. I don't want to do this anymore. 

I don't think I'm meant to live without you. I should have died with you. That's why life is so hard because I'm not meant to be here. Why won't you let me join you? 

Another year will end and another year will start and it will just be the same. I try so hard every damn day and nothing ever gets any easier. Nothing will ever work. I don't want to live like this anymore. Please take my pain away. I can't breathe. I can't bear it. 

I need to wake up. I need to wake up from this nightmare that is my life. But I can't. It feels like I'm sinking further. It feels like I'm drowning. I can't breathe.

TW Being suicidal and still wanting help and to get better...

I write this from a safe place in myself right now. When I am in the state I write about I wouldn't be able to put the words together to write this, so it is looking back rather than being in the moment. 

To those of you that have ever been there and felt these two opposites at the same time, I hear you I hope this helps you to know you are not alone. 

To those of you that are lucky enough to have never felt suicidal, who may think feeling these two things at the same time is impossible. who may question how much someone really is suicidal when they show the tiniest sign of wanting help and to get better. This is for you, to try to help you understand how this feels.

I've phoned the mental health team and desperately cried down the phone for help and been told because I phoned that means I want help so they aren't going to do anything.

At my worse, repeated incidents of potentially lethal self harm I've been assessed as 'not very high risk because I always ask for help'.

I've been in hospital or with paramedics and told "Well you obviously don't really want to die because you called for help". After taking an overdose that *could* have killed me. 

I've been escorted from A&E by security guards on the instruction of the mental health team after I pleaded for some help because I can't bear how I feel another day and so will try to die again tomorrow.

In all these times I have been completely and utterly suicidal but also desperately wanted help and to get better.

At the times of complete despair I feel like there is no hope of ever getting better or this feeling that I am in ever going away and that is what leads to suicidal thoughts and behaviour. This pain right now is too much and I need it to stop, ask for help get told no the only other way I can think to make it stop is to so some serious harm to myself. If it works I'm out of this pain forever. Even if it doesn't I get some physical pain to focus on with numbs the emotional torture for a while. 

At this moment if someone said I'll try and help you I wouldn't have to end up doing this. If there was any hope of help to get to the light at the end of the tunnel I wouldn't ever I have attempted suicide. 

Mental health services are so stretched and so unhelpful because they are so limited in what they can offer. At these moments I'm describing I really just need help. Help with the level of pain I am feeling in this moment. Help with the raging intrusive thoughts going round in my head, taking over everything and becoming all consuming as if they are the real world and nothing else exists. But the help does not exist. So because of this wanting and needing help so desperately results in me feeling suicidal.

Right now this is a cycle I end up in a lot. As of this moment of me writing this I have just about managed to come out of a bad patch without resulting in self harm and without any help from mental health services even though I needed it.

If you are lucky enough to have never needed mental health services support you may think ask for help its that simple. It really isn't. The help just isn't there. 

I am slowly coming to realise that the only way to beat this thing is to do it on my own.