TW: I need to wake up

I've just come home from the Crisis House and I wish that it was a magic cure but the truth is there isn't one. Before going there last week though I could barely string two words together to express how I feel, so I recognise I am doing a lot better than I was.

I'm safe right now just honest thoughts, putting into words what's on my mind. If you've never struggled with your mental health this is how it feels for me. If you have you are not alone, keep holding on. If anyone needs to chat message me or comment I'm here for anyone, no one should have to face this alone. 

It feels as if I've not been awake this whole year. This whole year has been a nightmare. I've been surviving, barely. But that's all I've been doing. Like some kind of walking zombie. Not really living or alive but not quite dead yet either. 

I don't believe I should still be alive. I could have died this year but didn't. And I wish I did. Oh how much I wish I did. Then this pain would be over. Then this torture that is my own brain would not rule me anymore. Then I would greet my beautiful Mum and Nan after 16 long years with a smile and a hug. Oh how much I wish I could see you both again. I've tried Mum I really have tried to be with you. But the world won't let me go. You won't let me join you. You say its too soon but its not fair. My heart aches for you every day. Because I wasn't allowed to grieve so I don't know how to grieve and I've been stuck in grief for 16 years. Its torture. I don't want to do this anymore. 

I don't think I'm meant to live without you. I should have died with you. That's why life is so hard because I'm not meant to be here. Why won't you let me join you? 

Another year will end and another year will start and it will just be the same. I try so hard every damn day and nothing ever gets any easier. Nothing will ever work. I don't want to live like this anymore. Please take my pain away. I can't breathe. I can't bear it. 

I need to wake up. I need to wake up from this nightmare that is my life. But I can't. It feels like I'm sinking further. It feels like I'm drowning. I can't breathe.