The stillness of the night is a welcome break from the panic of the day. When the rest of the world is asleep and outside is calm and quiet. No one expects anything of me. I don't have to fear the phone ringing and a forced conversation with someone I'm scared of. I don't have to refresh my emails every 2 minutes incase I've had a reply to that pending incredibly important thing I'm currently trying to deal with. In the stillness of the night I can just be. I don't have to fight my battles. I don't have to argue to be taken seriously or even treated as a human with needs just like everyone else. In the stillness of the night I am the only one that exists. The rest of the world, those people causing me problems don't exist. Or at least are asleep so aren't going to bother me.
Some nights aren't this calm blanket of peace. Some nights I fear the stillness on the outside because the inside of me is running wild and won't stop just because the rest of the world stops. These nights I can't wait to sleep for as long as possible because sleep is my only escape. On these nights I resist waking up for as long as possible to put off having to face reality.
But tonight is a still night. Tonight, after a day of being unable to get out of bed I have done a whole day's work. Tonight is freeing from the pain of today. Tonight is a night I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want this calm to end. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I know that.i will have to fight my battles again when the rest of the world is awake. In the stillness of the night I can just be.
I am learning to accept the present and each moment just as it is. Its a contradiction the two different kinds of nights I experience. But I accept this night is what it is without trying question why.
I welcome any moment of calm in the current storm I'm in. Even if it is in the early hours of the morning in the stillness of the night.
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