Autism acceptance week

This week has been autism acceptance week.

Note I say acceptance and not awareness. It may be the autistic brain way of looking at things but most of us prefer this wording.

At the top of my road there's a sign on a garden gate saying "caution disabled child playing here. Autism awareness". This is why we don't like this wording! It makes it sound like we are something to be wary of. Everytime I see that sign I wonder if that child is accepted by their parents or not. 

By 2024 we all know autistic people are around. We all know some people are different. It's not a case of 'being aware we exist'. It's a case of accepting us.

Autism acceptance to me means truly allowing me and other autistic people to be are authentic selves. 

Awareness is I know you might have a meltdown because the lights are too bright and it's too noisy, but not doing anything to help this. Acceptance is offering to turn the lights and music down.

Awareness is I know you don't like eye contact, but I'm still going to call you rude for not doing it. Acceptance is allowing me to stim and look out the window while talking to you and knowing that is just me and is the way I am much more comfortable to have a conversation.

Awareness is knowing autistic people might need more time but still getting frustrated at waiting. Acceptance is being patient and calm while we take the time we need.

Awareness is knowing we might have special interests or regress but still laughing at the grown adult cuddling a soft toy in public. Acceptance is not even batting a eyelid at this, because what does it bother you.

Awareness is listening when I say I can have situational mutism but shouting at me when it happens and demanding I talk and must be doing it on purpose. Acceptance is offering other ways to communicate and understanding I need to be silent because I am overwhelmed.

Awareness is yes I know you're autistic but I'm not going to change anything to make this horrible world slightly more bearable for you. Acceptance is just that. Accepting us and wanting to make a difference for us. 

Awareness is thinking because you know I am autistic that means you should treat me like I am stupid or a child. Acceptance is knowing I am an autistic adult with complex needs but also many strengths. 

It's not enough to be aware. Accept us. We are human too just with a different way of thinking.

Time to start my healing journey (tw death, grief)

Sometimes my mum speaks through, me call me crazy (I know I am) but its a comfort to me.

20 years ago I left you when you needed me so much. And I'm sorry. A little 12 year old girl struggling to fit in in the world and understand who she is really needs her mum. I'm so proud of you Becky you have grown up into a beautiful woman despite the difficulties you've faced. I'm still here with you everyday because I am a part of you. In your heart. As long as your heart keeps beating. I live on in you.

I know you hurt. You hurt far too much for anyone to hurt. I want to tell you that 20 years is long enough to grieve. I know you miss me, I know you love me, I know you'll never replace me. You need to stop punishing yourself for carrying on with life without me. I give you permission to be happy and enjoy life. 

I know that's not easy for you so I'm sending you an angel to help you along the way. 20 years after I took my last breath, they will take their first. A little puppy, a soul mate and a baby all in one. They know how much you are hurting and they know their mission to make you genuinely smile again. 

Crying and feeling shame for being excited and happy right now as its the week of mums anniversary and usually I don't let myself be happy for the whole of February. (Complex grief, never really grieved for 20 years sucks!).

Last year I started a hyperfixation / special interest on getting my own dog, doing so much research and settled on the perfect breed a small ish one that would fit in a flat. I started working out all the things I need to do to make my flat dog safe. I do have my own garden but it isn't secure so that's a big job needing doing.

The breed I settled on was a Cavapoo. When I was in crisis house in January I found a breeder in Barnsley not too far away that is very reputable and does so much more than any other I've seen. I asked when she may next have a litter and she said Peggy is due 24/2/2024. Mum's 20th anniversary is 22/2/2024. The above, words from my mum just washed over me and I instantly knew this was meant to be. I also found out my trauma therapy (many many traumas unfortunately but I am hoping to look at the complex grief). Is hopefully going to start in April, these pupppies will be able to come home end of April. Another it's meant to be! Puppy therapy after therapy!

I filled in the application form and was accepted and told I was first on the list for these puppies. It helped me get through that crisis, someone thinks I am good enough to look after a little puppy. I am not a useless waste of space after all. 

Its new to me the feeling of moving on and being happy. It won't be easy after 20 years. But I truly believe this is my turning point and start of my healing journey. 

An angel sent from my mum in dog form to show me she agrees. The shame on being happy this time of year creeps in and I remind myself mummy wants me to be happy. Too excited about the puppies being born but also absolutely devastated and can't stop crying because I miss my mum and 20 years just feel too much to bear.

Its a complex mess in my head and people don't understand why I answer the question "how are you?" With "I don't know".