Sometimes my mum speaks through, me call me crazy (I know I am) but its a comfort to me.
20 years ago I left you when you needed me so much. And I'm sorry. A little 12 year old girl struggling to fit in in the world and understand who she is really needs her mum. I'm so proud of you Becky you have grown up into a beautiful woman despite the difficulties you've faced. I'm still here with you everyday because I am a part of you. In your heart. As long as your heart keeps beating. I live on in you.
I know you hurt. You hurt far too much for anyone to hurt. I want to tell you that 20 years is long enough to grieve. I know you miss me, I know you love me, I know you'll never replace me. You need to stop punishing yourself for carrying on with life without me. I give you permission to be happy and enjoy life.
I know that's not easy for you so I'm sending you an angel to help you along the way. 20 years after I took my last breath, they will take their first. A little puppy, a soul mate and a baby all in one. They know how much you are hurting and they know their mission to make you genuinely smile again.
Crying and feeling shame for being excited and happy right now as its the week of mums anniversary and usually I don't let myself be happy for the whole of February. (Complex grief, never really grieved for 20 years sucks!).
Last year I started a hyperfixation / special interest on getting my own dog, doing so much research and settled on the perfect breed a small ish one that would fit in a flat. I started working out all the things I need to do to make my flat dog safe. I do have my own garden but it isn't secure so that's a big job needing doing.
The breed I settled on was a Cavapoo. When I was in crisis house in January I found a breeder in Barnsley not too far away that is very reputable and does so much more than any other I've seen. I asked when she may next have a litter and she said Peggy is due 24/2/2024. Mum's 20th anniversary is 22/2/2024. The above, words from my mum just washed over me and I instantly knew this was meant to be. I also found out my trauma therapy (many many traumas unfortunately but I am hoping to look at the complex grief). Is hopefully going to start in April, these pupppies will be able to come home end of April. Another it's meant to be! Puppy therapy after therapy!
I filled in the application form and was accepted and told I was first on the list for these puppies. It helped me get through that crisis, someone thinks I am good enough to look after a little puppy. I am not a useless waste of space after all.
Its new to me the feeling of moving on and being happy. It won't be easy after 20 years. But I truly believe this is my turning point and start of my healing journey.
An angel sent from my mum in dog form to show me she agrees. The shame on being happy this time of year creeps in and I remind myself mummy wants me to be happy. Too excited about the puppies being born but also absolutely devastated and can't stop crying because I miss my mum and 20 years just feel too much to bear.
Its a complex mess in my head and people don't understand why I answer the question "how are you?" With "I don't know".
Love this ❤️💪
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