TW: I need to wake up

I've just come home from the Crisis House and I wish that it was a magic cure but the truth is there isn't one. Before going there last week though I could barely string two words together to express how I feel, so I recognise I am doing a lot better than I was.

I'm safe right now just honest thoughts, putting into words what's on my mind. If you've never struggled with your mental health this is how it feels for me. If you have you are not alone, keep holding on. If anyone needs to chat message me or comment I'm here for anyone, no one should have to face this alone. 

It feels as if I've not been awake this whole year. This whole year has been a nightmare. I've been surviving, barely. But that's all I've been doing. Like some kind of walking zombie. Not really living or alive but not quite dead yet either. 

I don't believe I should still be alive. I could have died this year but didn't. And I wish I did. Oh how much I wish I did. Then this pain would be over. Then this torture that is my own brain would not rule me anymore. Then I would greet my beautiful Mum and Nan after 16 long years with a smile and a hug. Oh how much I wish I could see you both again. I've tried Mum I really have tried to be with you. But the world won't let me go. You won't let me join you. You say its too soon but its not fair. My heart aches for you every day. Because I wasn't allowed to grieve so I don't know how to grieve and I've been stuck in grief for 16 years. Its torture. I don't want to do this anymore. 

I don't think I'm meant to live without you. I should have died with you. That's why life is so hard because I'm not meant to be here. Why won't you let me join you? 

Another year will end and another year will start and it will just be the same. I try so hard every damn day and nothing ever gets any easier. Nothing will ever work. I don't want to live like this anymore. Please take my pain away. I can't breathe. I can't bear it. 

I need to wake up. I need to wake up from this nightmare that is my life. But I can't. It feels like I'm sinking further. It feels like I'm drowning. I can't breathe.

TW Being suicidal and still wanting help and to get better...

I write this from a safe place in myself right now. When I am in the state I write about I wouldn't be able to put the words together to write this, so it is looking back rather than being in the moment. 

To those of you that have ever been there and felt these two opposites at the same time, I hear you I hope this helps you to know you are not alone. 

To those of you that are lucky enough to have never felt suicidal, who may think feeling these two things at the same time is impossible. who may question how much someone really is suicidal when they show the tiniest sign of wanting help and to get better. This is for you, to try to help you understand how this feels.

I've phoned the mental health team and desperately cried down the phone for help and been told because I phoned that means I want help so they aren't going to do anything.

At my worse, repeated incidents of potentially lethal self harm I've been assessed as 'not very high risk because I always ask for help'.

I've been in hospital or with paramedics and told "Well you obviously don't really want to die because you called for help". After taking an overdose that *could* have killed me. 

I've been escorted from A&E by security guards on the instruction of the mental health team after I pleaded for some help because I can't bear how I feel another day and so will try to die again tomorrow.

In all these times I have been completely and utterly suicidal but also desperately wanted help and to get better.

At the times of complete despair I feel like there is no hope of ever getting better or this feeling that I am in ever going away and that is what leads to suicidal thoughts and behaviour. This pain right now is too much and I need it to stop, ask for help get told no the only other way I can think to make it stop is to so some serious harm to myself. If it works I'm out of this pain forever. Even if it doesn't I get some physical pain to focus on with numbs the emotional torture for a while. 

At this moment if someone said I'll try and help you I wouldn't have to end up doing this. If there was any hope of help to get to the light at the end of the tunnel I wouldn't ever I have attempted suicide. 

Mental health services are so stretched and so unhelpful because they are so limited in what they can offer. At these moments I'm describing I really just need help. Help with the level of pain I am feeling in this moment. Help with the raging intrusive thoughts going round in my head, taking over everything and becoming all consuming as if they are the real world and nothing else exists. But the help does not exist. So because of this wanting and needing help so desperately results in me feeling suicidal.

Right now this is a cycle I end up in a lot. As of this moment of me writing this I have just about managed to come out of a bad patch without resulting in self harm and without any help from mental health services even though I needed it.

If you are lucky enough to have never needed mental health services support you may think ask for help its that simple. It really isn't. The help just isn't there. 

I am slowly coming to realise that the only way to beat this thing is to do it on my own.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

 Tomorrow I am going to volunteer in a primary school as a 'tutor' for a 1 hour Maths session with two year 6 pupils (age 10/11). I am absolutely bricking it, full of anxiety and thoughts that I can't do this and what was I thinking when I signed up to do it? 

I've planned in so much depth and rehearsed what I will say and tried to imagine what the children might say.

2.5 years ago I worked full time as a primary school Teaching Assistant, I ran around the school running different interventions for different groups of children. I planned for and led my own groups, often just working out what to do with the children in the break time before the session. I did it because I had to. I had a phonics group of 16 children which I ran alone.

I became too unwell to work, my mental health took over, I was crying every day at work, couldn't get through a full day and made attempts to end my life. But when I was with the children I put on a front and made sure they didn't see the other side to me. 

Leaving work because my mental health was too bad to work is such a catch 22 because I then got so much worse. Work was a purpose and a reason to get up every day. If those children respectd me I couldn't be that bad could I? But I had to leave I agreed to but it was a mutual decision between myself and the manager/headteacher. 

Now it's took my two and a half years to get back to a place where I feel like I could maybe manage to volunteer for 1 hour a week in a school. In fact I'm not sure that's true really, I don't think I'm ready but I realised this year that if I wait until I'm "ready" I'll be waiting forever. I don't think being ready is a real thing, I think I will be working on improving my mental health for life. 

This feels a bit ridiculous that I used to do this all day, all week but now I don't know if I can manage an hour. It feels like im being stupid. It feels like I need to get a grip. The part of me that thinks this thinks I should just go and get a job again and work like a normal functioning adult. But then I know for sure I would fail and burn out again. Step by step and building mastery as I go is definitely the way to go.

Ready or not I will do it. My sheer determination will mean I will do it. It may go absolutely terribly but I'll do it. I couldn't let the children down. I may have to use every one of my DBT skills in the morning to feel okay enough to face it. But I will be there. I will try my best to help these children. 

I will fight the demons in my own head that will tell me I'm rubbish, useless, the children would be better off without me, who was I kidding thinking I could teach? I will prove them wrong. I will speak up and tell them yes I can do it, working with children is what I am good at and what I should be doing. 

Tomorrow I hope I will win but if I do that's just the first step. The first step towards the "life worth living" that I want. I want to use my experience of mental health problems to empower children and young people. I want to help children that could end up like me. Be there for them before they grow up thinking they aren't worth anything, help them to value themselves and to understand their emotions at a young age so that they can flourish in life and not suffer like I have. I will change the future and outlook for children like me, so they know their strengths. I will use my experience and learn from it. 

One day this will be my career and life but for now I will go to bed and try and sleep with the strong anxiety about going to volunteer in a primary school as a 'tutor' for a 1 hour Maths session with two year 6 pupils.

Can I really do it?

Yes I can.

Feeling down for "no reason" thanks to Covid

 Yesterday and today I woke up just feeling low, sad, down in the dumps. Nothing happened to trigger me feeling sad, things are slightly getting better than they were. So I tell myself I'm being stupid and get annoyed at myself for being sad for "no reason" I should just snap out of it. Then I'm adding more negative emotions, the frustration at myself and at the sadness. I say "no reason" in inverted commas because this post is about challenging that thought that I have no reason to be sad.

In DBT we learn about different emotions and what kind of situations emotions are justified and talk about them 'fitting the facts'. It sounds pretty basic but is actually complex and I honestly believe emotions and how to regulate them should be taught in schools. It's such valuable skills that I think many adults don't understand! So when does DBT say that sadness 'fits the facts'? When you have lost something or someone and when things haven't gone to plan or turned out the way you had hoped. 

Now is there anyone who predicted and expected a global pandemic to hit us? If there is why didn't they warn the rest of us?!? So to some extent all of us in the whole world are living this year  not how we expected it or hoped it to be. People had plans and goals they wanted to accomplish which they haven't been able to because of lockdown restrictions. Through no fault of their own, through something completely out of all of ours control. There is also the fact that people haven't seen people they love in a long time, while they hopefully aren't lost forever they are for a while. Things being lost I would say means more than just objects, lost opportunities, lost progress, personally, or in other ways due to lockdown restrictions.

For me personally I was in a good place mentally before Covid took over. I had support workers twice a week and therapy twice a week. Then in a flash the therapy turned into a phone call and group therapy just stopped, and support had very strict restrictions when it used to be very much up to me, I could do whatever I wanted with them. I was doing so well before lockdown that I was discharged from CMHT, a mutual decision between me and the professionals working with me that we all agreed was for the best. Now I have had to be referred back to them because I'm not doing well and need more support. This is a loss in itself, a loss of my progress, a loss of my independence and ability to cope by myself. I'm a very goal orientated person and I use a bullet journal to do this. I set goals for 2020 at the end of 2019. I set challenges for myself like 'Swim 100 times' and 'visit 20 new places'. These seemed difficult but manageable now thanks to Covid I haven't been able to complete any of my goals! If Covid hadn't have happened I would now be finished DBT and on to the next phase of my recovery / therapy journey, again I'm a goal orientated person so had this all planned out. Now it will be a long time before I am ready for this. I also was about to start volunteering in a school in March when schools had to shut. Yes I'm determined to make sure this will happen in time but I've lost 5 months. 

I've lost 5 months in a number of ways. Time has been ticking, I've been getting older, life hasn't stopped. And yet in so many ways it has. 5 months of no social outings. 5 months of self isolation at home with no company. 5 months of deep depression. 5 months of no progress on my mental health and goals that make my life worth living. 

I write about myself and my personal sadness and set backs as a result of lockdown but I hope others can use this to see their own reasons they may be sad. If you, like me, wake up just feeling sad, before you beat yourself up and tell yourself you have no reason to, stop and think. I have reasons to be sad because of all I have lost and how 2020 has not gone to plan. Give yourself some compassion and kindness if you feel sad. We are all allowed to. If you planned to spend the extra time eating healthily and getting fit, but find yourself staying in bed or not wanting to move from the sofa and craving chocolate, you find yourself not being able to find the motivation to do anything, be kind to yourself, tell yourself its okay to be sad, grieve what you have lost because of this awful situation we are all living in. But most of all be kind to yourself, sadness needs kindness!

From Disney's Inside Out, a wonderful film about feelings and a great reminder that we all need our emotions and cannot be happy all the time! 

Covid lockdown with exisiting mental health problems (TW)

For the last 5 months I've been existing and surviving but barely. I have found a new low that I didn't know existed, day after day I've sank lower. I thought I was at the bottom of the huge mountain to climb and then I sink lower into a valley. With no way to even take a single step upwards to get out of this low. 

I've been clinically depressed and cannot believe how awful depression is. To have zero motivation to do anything that helps me. To try and distract myself but not be able to concentrate on anything, to watch TV but not really be watching it, completely unaware of what I'm watching. To feel exhausted constantly from doing nothing. To have no option but to stay in bed, day after day just letting life pass me by. 

Before lockdown I was the best I've ever been mentally for about a month. I felt relief from some difficult but right for me decisions. I was about to start volunteering in a primary school after 2 years out of work. I felt hopeful for the future and excited about the life I was going to live. I felt that I was creating a life worth living. I was doing very well with DBT (therapy) using most of my skills every day and learning to be stronger than this thing I'm fighting called Borderline Personality Disorder. I had plans. I had hope. I knew who I wanted to be. 

To go from this to the lowest I've ever felt is not to be looked at lightly. The contrast between how I was in February and early March to how I became in April onwards is extraordinary. The support from mental health services became non existent. I was told repeatedly that this was to 'keep me safe'. Yes safe from Covid-19 but at what cost? I have lost count of how many times I have tried to commit suicide during the lockdown. The reasons for this is how incredibly low I feel, having no hope for ever getting better and the complete lack of support. These reasons merge into one because the reason I have no hope is down to no support from mental health services, I know I cannot get myself out of this pit alone. I've done things which medical professionals are surprised I'm not dead. Last week I was in A&E four times. I feel like I've been in constant crisis without a break for months. Is it any wonder I want to die to get this pain to stop?

On a bad day in my normal life I think I just need to get through this day and tomorrow might not be as bad. During lockdown I know for sure every day is going to be just as bad. There is no end. People told me back in March that this was only temporary and thought that was comforting, its now August. Yes its temporary but not temporary enough. It feels like the longest 5 months of my life and also I've done absolutely nothing, that's hard to deal with. I've not done anything to help myself get better, because of lockdown restrictions I've not been allowed to.

Living alone during lockdown with mental health problems is nothing short of torture. Forced isolation in my little council flat. With my mental health declining and intrusive thoughts getting worse there is nothing to distract me. All I have is my own messed up mind for company.

My DBT group is finally going online next week, I have an appointment to talk about going back to the community mental health team on Thursday. I can see a very tiny, glimmer of hope. I don't believe it yet but I know it's there. I have to remember I am still alive for a reason, I will again find that reason and purpose in life. For now I will keep surviving, keep breathing, and that is enough.

Mother's Day for the Motherless

Tomorrow is Mother's day in the UK. Tomorrow is the 16th Mother's day I have lived through since my mum died when I was just 12 years old. Tomorrow is also exactly one month since the anniversary of my mum dying. Tomorrow is the hardest day of the year for me.

We used to make such a fuss of Mum on Mother's day. Made her breakfast in bed and gifts and cards.

If only I knew, if only that little girl knew she would only have such a short amount of time with her Mum the best person in the world, her hero. If only I knew I would have hugged her tighter and longer every time. I would have thought hard about everything I wanted to know from my mum and asked all the questions. I would have treasured every moment so that I had more memories now. I would have kept a diary to remind me of all the special moments we shared. So many regrets of the old me, the little girl that was foolish to believe her mum wasn't going to die.

This mothers day is a bit different to usual with isolation going on. But I hope everyone will still take the time to tell their mum how much they mean to them. Give her a big hug or a virtual one if social isolation means you can't in real life. I hope everyone who still has a good mum knows how lucky they are.

Mothers day without a mum (and not being a mum myself), makes me feel like I don't belong in this world. Like there is something wrong with me and I don't fit in here. I don't have a place here. This world isn't for people like me. I am no longer a daughter but not a mum myself. I have no place on this day.

My mum left me after a 2 year fight with leukaemia. She fought so hard but it wasn't enough. She left me a little 12 year old just starting secondary school. She left me with a father who should never have had children. Who didn't have a single paternal bone in his body. She left me and life was never the same again.

On this day I feel so alone and I have no one to speak to. Any of my friends I believe should be spending time with their mum and making the day special for her. Not talking to me. I get support from social media usually but scrolling through that I am met by smiling happy faces of daughters with their mums. Or heartfelt posts of how much your mum means to you. On this day I have no place in this world.

Please do post to social media how much you love your mum but please think of me. As you are writing a post you can click to see who can see it, whether its public or private, you can set it to"friends except..." and type in my name. You can still post for your mum but spare a thought for your motherless friends who are hurting enough today without another reminder of their pain.

So if you are lucky enough to have a good mum still around in your life. Hold her tight let her know how much you love her. And remember how lucky you are to have her.