It's Autism, actually!

After a recent autism assessment and diagnosis, I am re-igniting my blog. With a change of name that now reflects who I am, and who I have always been but has no idea.

I have a mixture of emotions following my diagnosis and want to work through them to find who I am meant to be.

The real, authentic, autistic me. 

Connecting with others who 'get' it is one way I hope to do this. So if this resonates with anyone please comment and share. 

Feeling like an alien and that I don't belong on this planet. Feeling weird and sticking out like mad everywhere I go even though all I ever desperately want and put all my energy into is coming across like everyone else and fitting in. To not be found out that I am really an alien. 

Who knew there was a name for this, I am actually autistic. Being first suggested to me at age 30, then diagnosed at age 31 (long NHS waiting lists in the UK, a year is actually pretty good compared to other places in the country).

My assessment was easier than I thought because I 'so clearly fit the diagnostic criteria we don't need to ask any more questions'. I was visibly very stressed out, so she made it as painless as possible and I am grateful for that.

My first thought was if it's that obvious how has it took 30 years?

Being labeled as, quiet, shy, not very social, a bit of a loner, the weird, quirky one as a child.

Feeling like an outcast as an adult, still not fitting in, not interested in the usual young adult social life of going clubbing, desperately trying to find 'my people' but even with the mask firmly in place hearing comments like 'what is her problem?' when people think I can't hear.

How did it take 30 years?

Then relief that I was diagnosed and not just weird but actually autistic. Meaning my brain works differently to neurotypical people. Meaning there are others just like me I am not crazy.

Then comes the despair. Even though there are many of us the world is not made up for us at all. Even though we are not aliens, we live as if we are. Non autistics built the world and societies in a way that makes every day so much more difficult for us that it needs to be. The challenges of being autistic don't come from me, inside my brain I just think in a different way. The challenges and traumas come from society, other people and the environment. 

We might as well be aliens. But we are not it is our planet as well.

I hope to connect with others and come past this despair. 

I have read 2 full books on autism and watched who knows how many YouTube videos since my diagnosis a week ago. 

I will get there I will find my place in the world. 

This journey is only just beginning.

If anyone else is in the same boat right now, or been there, or considering they may be autistic or for any reason wants to, please connect with me I'd love to hear from you. 🙂