Unmasked and where do I belong?

Sometimes my brain just thinks in kind of poetry. Not the best, not perfect counted out lines. But lines, rhymes and rhythm. It's strange it's always been there. I've started trying to capture them when they happen to record my thoughts and quirky brains ways of thinking. 

Two pieces that are linked in a way that I have done recently. Unmasked me is struggling to find where I belong in this world. 

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For 30 years I wore a mask,
So firmly pressed against me skin,
Even I didn't know it wasn't the real me,
That it was hiding within.
For 30 years I hid in shame,
For 30 years I studied others and worked to be the same,
For 30 years if it slipped slightly,
I would pick it up and make sure it was on more tightly.

It is no wonder then with life's battles and traumas,
My mental health suffered and I drifted further.
Into a darkness that I couldn't control,
Into a pit of horrors deep in my soul.

"I think you're autistic, you don't have to wear that mask,
Be the real you its okay" it's such a hard task!
When you don't know you're wearing it how can you take it off?
Scared to discover what lies underneath.
Be brave, be you that's all you can do,
Don't be afraid to let the authentic you shine through.

Slowly but surely I grew and I grew, Into the autistic person I always was,
Just me not pretending to be you.
The relief and the comfort of not fighting my quirks,
My mental health so much better it really works.

Others still wear their mask, Others still want to hide,
But I can't put that back on, it doesn't fit now besides.
One day you will feel safe to be the real you too,
One day you will discover its okay to be your truth.

I am the true me, quirks and all,
I am happier and healthier since I let that mask fall.

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Where do I belong? Where is my place to call home?

Too "mental" to fit in with the autistic community,

Too autistic to fit in with my peers with BPD.

Too high functioning to fit in with some, not functioning enough for others.

Unable to work because of the way this debilitates me, but I "don't look sick" I look able.

Too articulate and chatty to be taken seriously, when I'm overwhelmed and completely nonverbal.

Not this or that,

Not anything really,

Neither here nor there,

Just nowhere.

Do I have a place in this world that I do belong?

I haven't found it yet, where is my home?

The end of the world: how a change/unknown feels for an autistic

My world is slowly crashing down around me.

My hopes of recovery are falling away from me.

My needs to use unhealthy coping mechanisms are getting stronger, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

My heart physically hurts.

The tears won't fall to get out the feeling.

Just numbness and dread fills my insides.

I can't voice verbally how this feels so I write in the hopes it will make some sense.

I have no control over my life.

I am a puppet controlled by some external being.

I am an alien pretending to be human.

My favourite hoodie somehow feels itchy.

My mouth feels gross even though I just brushed my teeth.

My world is wrong and I no longer belong.

To you it's a small inconvenience.

To me it is the end of the world.

Who am I?

 I feel like I've lost myself. No I feel like I never really knew who I was.

I try to be with others expect me to be. But that isn't the real me.

So who am I? Who is the real me? 

After 30 years of masking my quirky personality and real me how do I find her?

How do I know what is real me? I have no idea. 

Society's ideas for is to fit in to be accepted is so toxic. I've masked so much I don't know where the real me even is.

Someone likes me and I crave company and to be accepted so much that I latch on like a little puppy dog, just happy to be included and wanted. I have ended up in situations I didn't want to be in, doing things I would never do because of this at different parts in my life. None of them are me, they are the me the person who I'm attached to wants me to be.

I'm numb. I'm burnout. I'm a shadow. Not a real person.

How do I find her? The real me?

Celebrities are people too

This is deliberately written in an ambiguous way. No one is named who I am referring to. Because I know people won't change. I know these words will be relevant again and again in coming years. Being autistic means you don't always follow the crowd just because the crowd says so, if we don't understand why the crowd does A we do B and don't worry about being the odd one out. We also focus on small details rather than the big picture. Which means I look at things different to neurotypical people. You may read this and think "but still they did this and need to pay for it" the big picture. My points and feelings around it are small details I have noticed that have significance.

So I say it below and I will say it again I do not agree with what this person did. I do not think we should forgive and forget. I know it was wrong. I just want to share the thoughts from the way my autistic brain sees what's happening now. 

Imagine the worst thing you've ever done. 

Imagine you're biggest mistake. 

We all make them we are all human.

Imagine that thing you've never told anyone or possibly told a couple of people ever. 

Now imagine when you tell those people suddenly the whole world knows. 

The whole world has an opinion on what you've done. 

People you thought were true friends publicly display their hate for you because they don't want to associate with you anymore and would rather save their own skin.

The mistake you made years ago has meant you've lost your job and will never work again in the industry you love.

I've just read an interview that brought me close to tears.

Autistic people unfortunately have far far too much empathy it hurts. 

In no way do I agree with what he has done.

But he has seriously hurt enough.

The "blackness and sadness and regret and remorse and guilt", you feel when you make a mistake is nothing compared to this. Your biggest mistake isn't all over the news every day with everyone on the planet having an opinion.

When a celebrity publicly asks "do you want me to die?". It's time for us to call it, enough is enough.

Have we learnt nothing from past mistakes? 

No one deserves this.

Suicide is real. 

Those unrelenting feelings of being a horrible person that everyone hates and would prefer to be dead are real. 

Enough now. Leave this human alone.

Or the same people that pour out hate today will be tomorrow saying how much they loved him and didn't want him to commit suicide. 

He needs to hear that today.

When he is telling the world that is where he is at.

He is at the end of what he can survive.

Everyone that commented and spoke words against this person will have contributed to his death if the worst should happen. 

Again I will ask, have we learnt nothing.

We are all only human.

Today, I am done

I'm drained.

I'm tired.

I'm exhausted.  

I'm sick of this. 

I'm done with being let down yet again.

I'm done with people making changes.

I'm done with others having control over my life.

I'm done with the physical pain I feel.

I'm done trying when I always fail.

I'm done fighting in a world that doesn't care.

I'm done speaking words that are ignored.

Tomorrow I will rise again, but for today I am done.

It's Autism, actually!

After a recent autism assessment and diagnosis, I am re-igniting my blog. With a change of name that now reflects who I am, and who I have always been but has no idea.

I have a mixture of emotions following my diagnosis and want to work through them to find who I am meant to be.

The real, authentic, autistic me. 

Connecting with others who 'get' it is one way I hope to do this. So if this resonates with anyone please comment and share. 

Feeling like an alien and that I don't belong on this planet. Feeling weird and sticking out like mad everywhere I go even though all I ever desperately want and put all my energy into is coming across like everyone else and fitting in. To not be found out that I am really an alien. 

Who knew there was a name for this, I am actually autistic. Being first suggested to me at age 30, then diagnosed at age 31 (long NHS waiting lists in the UK, a year is actually pretty good compared to other places in the country).

My assessment was easier than I thought because I 'so clearly fit the diagnostic criteria we don't need to ask any more questions'. I was visibly very stressed out, so she made it as painless as possible and I am grateful for that.

My first thought was if it's that obvious how has it took 30 years?

Being labeled as, quiet, shy, not very social, a bit of a loner, the weird, quirky one as a child.

Feeling like an outcast as an adult, still not fitting in, not interested in the usual young adult social life of going clubbing, desperately trying to find 'my people' but even with the mask firmly in place hearing comments like 'what is her problem?' when people think I can't hear.

How did it take 30 years?

Then relief that I was diagnosed and not just weird but actually autistic. Meaning my brain works differently to neurotypical people. Meaning there are others just like me I am not crazy.

Then comes the despair. Even though there are many of us the world is not made up for us at all. Even though we are not aliens, we live as if we are. Non autistics built the world and societies in a way that makes every day so much more difficult for us that it needs to be. The challenges of being autistic don't come from me, inside my brain I just think in a different way. The challenges and traumas come from society, other people and the environment. 

We might as well be aliens. But we are not it is our planet as well.

I hope to connect with others and come past this despair. 

I have read 2 full books on autism and watched who knows how many YouTube videos since my diagnosis a week ago. 

I will get there I will find my place in the world. 

This journey is only just beginning.

If anyone else is in the same boat right now, or been there, or considering they may be autistic or for any reason wants to, please connect with me I'd love to hear from you. 🙂